“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Recently I received notice of another family we know whose daughter died by suicide. They had moved to another state sometime ago. We weren’t particularly close, but I was still caught off guard. Ambushed again. I cried out, “Lord, I feel like we are losing this battle!”

Every new suicide takes me back in some way to my own experience. It brings back up old thoughts and feelings. Sometimes it is a short-lived trip. Other times it may be a whirlwind taking me back to what I was doing when I received my call. I remember the agonizing pain as a parent. My heart aches for these parents, their family and friends. Occasionally, I travel the bumpy, winding road back. Back to many of the horrific events that surrounded us. Events that shouldn’t be experienced by anyone. I don’t dare spend too much time there!

Suicide knows no boundaries. It happens to the best of people and families. The educated, the undereducated; the rich, the poor; the popular, the silent; the arrogant, the servant, the young, the old, and everyone between. This one was a daughter of a doctor. People who served with the time, talent and resources, like us, to those in third world countries. The question pops in my mind again, “Why does this happen to good people, people serving God?” Once again the reality hits of how unfair life is. God allowing it, doesn’t mean He likes it.

I don’t think anything happens without a reason. We may not always know the reason, but there is a reason. Suicide happens for a reason. Always an underlying reason. Maybe depression, the feeling of worthlessness or being unloved. While occasionally suicide may be from a quick, unjustified, perceived feeling, it usually is from a hard reality. A painful reality. The reality of a chemical unbalance, maybe one hard to find the right treatment to regulate. The reality of thoughtless, selfish, uncaring, cruel people and their actions or comments. Bullying is coming out more and more. But, what about those who live day in and day out with the ongoing spoken, or unspoken, awareness that they are not loved, or at least not loved as much as another? The daily let down of not living up to expectations. The everyday lack of some word of encouragement. How do people keep going, looking beyond themselves, to become a better person than those around them?

Statistics show suicide is usually preventable, and people don’t want to die. We were made to thrive. But let’s face it, life can be a tough and lonely place. An unbearable place at times. Family, friends, society, they all let us down. The best place, the only place I know to find true love and acceptance is with Jesus. I sit at the feet of Jesus to be fed the truth of who I am in His eyes -a princess, a sister of the godly, a valuable creation, loved. I am wrapped in His arms and find comfort.  I find strength and peace to continue on. His Word provides it all, if we are willing to look.

While I will never know all the reasons of our son’s death, I do know some. I know his heart was broken, many times over. I honestly cannot say I know all the pain, frustration and fear he was carrying. I do know the circumstances surrounding his death had extra spikes, piercing into my flesh. Spikes he too was familiar with. Spikes carrying poison, that if not treated quickly, kill. He needed treatment! Treatment that unfortunately he became too weary to endure ridicule of, too weary to give another ounce of energy to. He needed bandages, salve and kind words to bind up the wounds. He needed treatment that can only come from God. He needed healed by the Great Physician, and so did I. God carried me through the ugly, disapproved situation for reasons. Reasons of heavenly proportions, certainly beyond my comprehension. Did God take our son’s death and use it for good? For a reason to save a life? A reason for another generation? A reason to see His saving grace? A reason for growth? A reason for His glory? A reason … You bet He did. My desire would be for our son to still be with us, here. Our children shouldn’t die before their parents. However, God can turn what Satan desires for evil into good.

I envision Jesus standing with open arms, a smile on His face, with tears steaming down His cheeks. I am sure there are some who would want to argue theology, but let’s not. This momma knows God hates what is happening in this world to His people. Yet, this momma also knows our son is in heaven. I believe Jesus welcomes him in with loving arms, knowing better than us, the pain he was enduring.

I will always have scars from the deep wounds. I am okay with that. I really don’t want them to go away. I want to remember so I can relate and help others. I want to reminisce how God took me under His wing and took care of me, and loved me through. My faith is strengthened when I remember. We all need a reason to live. I have a new pathway to His purpose with one of my reasons.

2 Timothy 1:9-10 “He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.